another point of view

how to mistrust the ones you supposedly love the most..
how to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone..
how to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else..
how to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself..
how to numb a la holic to avoid going within..

Lately the way I'm feeling..
I'm terrified and mistrusting
and you've never met anyone who is as closed down as I am sometimes..
I sabotage myself for fear of what my bigness could do..
..so much energy to prove to you who I can't possibly be
if I could be who you wanted all the time.. wears me out

i'm not tortured by how oft your busy, cause I've got things to do..
i'm not disappointed about how you don't miss you me, cause I don't need you to..
i'm not concerned about your new lover..
i don't notice your side ways glances or where your loyalty lies..
i am the kindest soul with whom you've connected, i have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
It's beautiful and so are you
..and you're still here, and it wears her out

and we hurt the ones that we love the most..
whenever I need you the most, you always leave me behind

what I resist persists and speaks louder than I know..
how long will this take? ;~
several times every several days I've tried to uncrush on you..

i might be proving you right with my silence or my retaliation?
because i can't afford to be misread one more time or because we can't afford to be mislead one more time
..dear popular boy I know you're used to getting everything so easily.. a stranger to the concept of reciprocity

well.. who am I kidding?
if I don't do something soon.. i will die from restraint!
as a sick subjugate

i'm not needy , but is only me?
i'm not dependent
i think.. I wanna be free
but I feel as though I'm dying
..one day I'll find relief

and after a year like this one I'll need a good whole sixteen months alone!
normal people bore me..

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