SuitableFotolog 2003-2008

I know I closed the doors, but I'll open them briefly, because I need to pour out my heart. Today, especially I do.

Thanks to the transitions I alluded to earlier in my last flog post, which I was so optimistic about, I have spent Christmas alone, I have sat in the front pew of church, alone, for my father's memorial service and this New Year's Eve, when the tire on the ZipCar I had rented got destroyed, I stood outside of it, praying my cell phone wouldn't run out of battery while I called for help, alone, and freezing to boot.

Was I on my way somewhere glamorous? No. I was coming back from the 7pm service at church. Alone. Thankfully, three strangers stopped to help me and I made it back to my apartment by 10:30, where I collapsed, cried from all the stress (I'm liable for the tire even though I didn't cause the damage) and passed out. I woke up at 1:20 am, the "moment" having passed me by. The only other time I have "slept through" a new year was the night of my Father's funeral, December 31, 1998. Not a good way to commence a fresh 365 days, in my opinion. I wasn't as blue as I might have been, about not having gone out, since-- you guessed it-- I was alone.

Noticing a theme here?

It wasn't supposed to be like this. But "transitions" are for grown-ups who make trade-offs and this sentence contains three things I have severe issues with, not that I have any choice in the matter. Transitions are turning out to be far more challenging than I anticipated. I think that G-d has a plan for me which I am alternately petrified of and confused by, and I'm not good with plans to begin with.

I've been upset all week, since the Memorial service because like the trifecta of bad days (the date he lost consciousness, the date he passed away, the date we buried him), December brings triumvirates of different sorts: as of last year, three immediate family members have died in the final week of the year, and potentially forever, there are three "holidays" which haven't felt jolly since I lost my greatest ally. First comes Christmas, which I can kind of ignore, because I can say Orthodox Christmas is later. Then comes New Year's, which I can kind of ignore, because I'm numb from grief and the avalanche of memories at that point. Finally, there is my birthday. One of my Father's favorite days. A blessed day, until several years ago.

We had the option of burying my father on my birthday, but my mother refused, saying she didn't think it was wise to mar it thusly. The only other available day was December 31st. NYE. That meant many terrible things, like a rushed service because the funeral home was closing at noon, low attendance because people couldn't make travel plans fast enough (he passed away only two days before) and the impossibility for those who needed visas to get them, to pay their respects. "But I cannot ruin your birthday," my well-meaning, beautiful mother said. "But it already is," I replied, only to have her say I was wrong.

I wasn't wrong.

It's ruined.

She should have just held the funeral then, so more people could have said good-bye to him. They deserved to.

::

Aside from that lovely dinner I had at Zaytinya with a few of you, in the last few years, my birthdays have been disappointing at best, disastrous at worst. The only reason Zaytinya was amazing is because I rescheduled my birthday. I postponed it. Maybe that's what I should always do, so that there's a bit of space between the 4th (the day I always felt like *my* year started) and all the sadness.

This year, my "plans" fell through, and it's nobody's fault; we live in an adult world, where work dictates life. If work won't allow for celebrating, nothing can be done. So nothing will be done. But I only found this out in the last few days. And what I had looked forward to for months will not come. Disappointment atop depression.

It seems petty and stupid, and immature since I'll be 33, but this just depresses me. I want to turn the corner on this bleak holiday season. I want to be happy in that silly, temporary way. I want to be excited about my life changing in this tiny significant form. I want my birthday to be happy.

::

I miss all of you. I love Facebook, but I'm worried it is not the same, that I am missing the moments and milestones of your lives. I don't want to miss any of it. At the same time, fotolog feels different now, with the ads and other tweaks. I'm not quite so willing to let this sweetness slip away...

User suitablegirl is not accepting guestbook comments at this time.