my beautiful Pandora

about an hour after my last update from the vet telling me she was responding well but they still didn't know the cause I got another call, late last night. A complication had arisen and in her condition the normal procedure wouldn't work, to stop her current treatment would soon return her to the coma state she almost fell into in the morning. She said we had to consider what was best for Pandora, which was a gentle way of telling me I had to let them put my wee girl to sleep to save her suffering slowly through the night to the end.

My friend was kind enough to come right round and drive me up to the emergency vet so I could be with her and the vet let me sit with her and cuddle her. Her sight hadn't returned properly yet but she could hear my voice and knew I was there, cuddling her and stroking her. Then when they were ready they gave her a shot so she was asleep, then the final injection. I held my gorgeous autumn coloured tiger until her heart stopped beating. Then the vet left me with her for a while, she just looked like she was asleep as I stroked her lovely fur. And then I had to leave her there and I felt awful, walking away. I know it wasn't her then, it was just her body, lying there as if she was asleep on a wee soft blanket, but I felt like I was letting her down by leaving her and I felt so guilty as signing the paper to let them put her to sleep, even though I knew it was the only thing I could do for my girl.

I was so frightened in the morning, I thought she was dying in my arms, then through the day I got hope given back to me, I thought I was going to get her back this morning. Then that happened and I lost my little love and my heart is broken.

Pandora and Cassie and my dad are the main things that have kept me going since we lost mum so suddenly and having her snatched away is awful. And poor Cassie has never been apart from her sister all her life, she spent the night curling up with me on the bed then jumping down to go mieowing around the flat looking for her sister, then back to me, then go looking again. I've taken a couple of days off and it's been an odd, broken day. Spent my whole day inside because I don't want to face anyone, only person I spoke to face to face was my neighbour and I almost lost it when I told him. And I wanted to be with Cassie - she doesn't understand it all but she knows something bad happened and her sister is gone and she is clearly upset. Two of us have been cuddling up all day. I know when we get pets there will be a day when this happens, it's happened to me before and it hurts everytime, but we mortgage the many good days before that against the pain of the loss, just like we do with anyone we love, pets, family or friend. The only way to avoid this pain would be never to have love and attachments and what a dreadful life that would be.

Goodnight my beloved wee cuddlepuss, you made me so very happy for many, many years, you even made me smile in the dark days since I lost mum, with your beauty and your warmth and your purrs and your big, furry hugs as you cuddled up in my arms. Home feels so wrong without you, I keep expecting to see you come walking into the room and then have to remind myself you never will again and my heart breaks again. I can't believe you've been taken from me. I hope my mum finds you wherever we go after this life. Mum, my Pandora is a very loving girl and needs attention and loves being held and hugged, look after her for me.

On February 07 2011 Edit

View all photos »